I have no milkshake. My yard is barren.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) September 11, 2015
You're losing in life because you convinced yourself it's a contest.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) September 9, 2015
I'm just gonna wait and see what happens pic.twitter.com/7ttXN0LYzC
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) September 9, 2015
They don't hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It's Restockholm syndrome.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) September 8, 2015
Donald Trump looks like he starts every day by staring into the Ark of the Covenant for exactly one minute.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) September 6, 2015
INTERIOR DECORATOR: "What color were you thinking for the room?"
NICOLAS CAGE: "Sword."— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) September 6, 2015