A breathalyzer but for people who are drunk on power
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) June 3, 2018
I’m single and ready to mingle*!
*continue making real platonic friendships with women until I love myself enough to know that I can get in a relationship that I won’t self-sabotage because of my lack of communication skills and fear of the unknown!
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) June 1, 2018
A millennial is anyone who burned CD mixtapes for their high school sweetheart and now unironically loves FRASIER repeats.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) May 31, 2018
I’ve abused drugs a lot & can assure you that pills don’t make you say racist things, being racist makes you say racist things. The worst thing I’ve ever done on Ambien is text random numbers that there were bees in their fridge & stared at walls until we were both uncomfortable.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) May 30, 2018
ABC: "We had no idea this racist woman who has said racist things before would actually say racist things out loud again. Our bad."
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) May 29, 2018
Jesus could walk on water but I like to imagine he couldn’t go swimming, he’d try to dive in and it would be like trying to swim in concrete. And he kept it a secret. All his friends are at the beach like, “Come take a dip!” and JC is all, “Nah I’m good. Anyone wanna be carried?”
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) May 29, 2018