"Yes, 9-1-1, I'm trying to buy some semi-automatic rifles in peace but a transgender person went in the shitter and I'm scared for my life."
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) April 23, 2016
If you do jazz hands long enough they turn into jazz arms and then someone comes and cuts them off and those are saxophones.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) April 23, 2016
Damn girl are you climate change? Cause every day you get hotter and I know eventually you’ll devastate me.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) April 22, 2016
"Imagine if Kanye replaced his ego with more talent and if you could understand Jaden Smith when he talked." -me explaining Prince to kids
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) April 22, 2016
Age 21: "No one can tell me what to do!"
Age 31: "Someone please tell me what I'm supposed to do."
Age 41: "Whatever. That'll do."— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) April 20, 2016
Do I think Ted Cruz is the zodiac killer? No. Do I believe with all my heart he chokes hitchhikers to death with a rosary? Of course I do.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) April 20, 2016