POLICE OFFICER: "Do you know why I pulled you over?"
ME: "Looks like someone didn't get their midnight kiss. Come here you big lug."— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) January 1, 2016
If you hold a turtle close enough to your ear you can hear the strangers around you asking what the fuck is wrong with you.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) January 2, 2016
What was your best panic attack of 2015?
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) December 31, 2015
1st Base: Eye contact
2nd Base: Planning a heist together
3rd Base: Marriage
Homeplate: Revealing you're a lizard and she does the same— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) December 30, 2015
i'll sleep when i'm bed
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) December 29, 2015
[year 2030]
ME: Don't judge a book by its cover
CHILD: What's a book?
ME: Never mind. Eat your food pellet before we begin harvesting.— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) December 29, 2015