Seven years I've lived here and I just now find out that the "C" in N.Y.C. doesn't stand for Chicago
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) September 18, 2014
Guy Fieri looks like Applebee's decided to make a superhero then quit before they started
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) September 17, 2014
"9-1-1, what's your emergency?"
"I've never felt this sick before in my life."
"What are your symptoms?"
"*starts beatboxing*"— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) September 17, 2014
If you're outraged by free music on your phone just wait until you hear about literally anything else
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) September 16, 2014
*goes on first date*
*eats spaghetti with her like in lady and the tramp*
Waiter: Sir, you and the terrier need to leave immediately— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) September 14, 2014
I tried stripping my way through college but only made it past the library before security caught me
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) September 13, 2014