A millennial is anyone who burned CD mixtapes for their high school sweetheart and now unironically loves FRASIER repeats.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) May 31, 2018
I’ve abused drugs a lot & can assure you that pills don’t make you say racist things, being racist makes you say racist things. The worst thing I’ve ever done on Ambien is text random numbers that there were bees in their fridge & stared at walls until we were both uncomfortable.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) May 30, 2018
ABC: "We had no idea this racist woman who has said racist things before would actually say racist things out loud again. Our bad."
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) May 29, 2018
Jesus could walk on water but I like to imagine he couldn’t go swimming, he’d try to dive in and it would be like trying to swim in concrete. And he kept it a secret. All his friends are at the beach like, “Come take a dip!” and JC is all, “Nah I’m good. Anyone wanna be carried?”
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) May 29, 2018
You still have blackouts when you don’t drink or do drugs but they’re called, “trips to Target.”
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) May 27, 2018
If you haven't heard from a friend in a while, check in on them. Give them a call. Shoot them a text. Kick down their door. Hug them until you literally squeeze the life out of them. Enjoy your new home.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) May 25, 2018