Hey Gang! Let’s DIVE right into this interview! I’m so sorry, I thought he was really a turtle and would get a kick out of all the turtle references but it turns out that HE is actually a 19-year-old dude living in Chicago who caught my eye a few months ago. He is one of favorite accounts that I make sure to check daily. I won’t waste any more time, I’ll just get the SHELL out of the way! (I’M SO SORRY!)
LET’S GET TO KNOW: ERIC C. AKA @dubstep4dads
*puts on a helmet*
u serious dude?
"yeah.. my dad makes me wear it"
*dad yells from window*
"NO I DONT! HAHA!! BRENDA! OUR SONS A NERD!!!"
— eric turtle (@dubstep4dads) August 10, 2013
Hello and Welcome. What’s your name?
Hi! My names Eric Michael. Michael is my middle name. I’m not comfortable with sharing my last name because I’ve heard some rumors about you Sam and I’m afraid you’re going to kill me. We can be friends online though!
How long have you been on Twitter?
Well I started early March of 2013. So I don’t know, about nine months, although it feels like it’s been years. *looks in the mirror at my wrinkled sad face*
What made you join?
Well I followed a few comedians about a year ago and I thought they were really funny. One of them retweeted a couple of writers who weren’t as popular and I found them hilarious. Through that cycle, I found Lawblob (@lawblob) whos’ tweets I really enjoyed. I found some other accounts through him and I thought I might as well try it myself. The idea of making people laugh from posting on twitter seemed really cool. I had no expectation of getting many followers or any popularity, I just thought I may have a shot at making some people laugh.
Are you really a turtle?
Yes. I am a turtle. It’s not the easiest life ever but I get by pretty well. My hardcore gang tattoos keep most of the street thugs away from me.
How old are you?
I just turned 19 in November. You can still buy me a gift if you want.
Do you have family in the Galapagos?
Is this a turtle joke? I said no turtle jokes Sam. ANYWAYS, no, I don’t have family in the Galapagos. Most of my family is from Chicago. Also, they’re in a gang. Being in a gang as a turtle is tough because you can’t really buy t-shirts or clothing that differentiate you from other gangs. Basically there’s only one gang and nobody ever fights. But it is tough on the streets. A couple weeks ago my uncle Ronnie fell off a 7 inch curb and rolled onto his back. Took the turtle ambulance six weeks to reach him. They don’t have cars. He should be fine though.
Do you love sewer-pizza?
I never watched Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (GASP) and I think that’s what this is in reference to… I’m sure I would enjoy some sewer pizza, but I haven’t been able to get any. Basically, my diet consists of lettuce. And more lettuce. Sometimes I eat my poo by accident.
How often do you tweet?
A couple times a day. Depending on how creative I’m feeling. Sometimes I won’t tweet at all for a few days if I think I suck. Other days, I’ll tweet 5-10 things, some of them are terrible but if my brain is being creative I just let them through.
Do you perform or write elsewhere?
I wrote a few articles and have a column at TheCrispestAttic.com so that’s pretty cool. I write articles for fun sometimes just to make myself laugh. My type of humor isn’t for everyone but I’m just glad I can make myself laugh through my silly writing.
Who are your favorite comedians perfuming these days?
I don’t really have any, and I don’t watch stand up too often. Sorry :/
What’s your dream job?
Getting paid to write or make people laugh in some way. I love to make people laugh and I think it would be really great to get paid to do what I love. Also, I think drawing things is cool too but I don’t know how to draw. I wish I did though. I wish I also had a pet wolf to ride around on. I think it would be really sweet to show up to school on a wolf. You know, like a really quiet kid who rides to school on a wolf dressed in black and doesn’t talk to anybody. Everyones like “whoa. Whats up with that kid”. Yeah that’s me.
How many muskets is enough?
69 is enough. 70 is one too many and 68 is really just not enough. Also, 69 is like the sex number.
God is dead. They need another day of the week, GO:
Turdday. The day of the week where everyone gets together with their family and appreciates turds. Some are different sizes than others and some smell very different and I think we all need to appreciate that.
If you had to make love to an type of triangle, what triangle would it be?
Definitely a right triangle. Acute triangles just aren’t enough for me, believe me, I’ve tried. Obtuse triangles are unpredictable. One day they’re sleeping with you, the next they’re putting your baby in a fridge. Babies don’t belong in fridges.
Where do babies come from?
I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again, I’m pretty sure babies aren’t real.
Where do Biebers come from?
I think Bieber is from Canada. That’s why he sucks, haha! Just kidding. I like Canada a lot probably. I’ve never been there though. @8bitf0x lives in Canada. You should follow him he is a nice boy. We kissed once
You seem to have extensive hip-hop roots and knowledge. Is this true and have you ever hugged Funkmaster Flexx?
I’m not sure if you made that up or just did your research but honestly I’m impressed. I’m a huge fan of hip-hop. But, no, I’ve never hugged Funkmaster Flexx. Also, I don’t think hes a funk master. Maybe like a funk apprentice or something but I wouldn’t call him the master.
What’s your favorite part about Twitter?
Well I guess I would have to say that my favorite part about twitter is getting replies from people who enjoy my material. It’s nice to know that if I’m out shopping or doing really whatever and I have an idea, I can just post it and make somebody, somewhere, laugh a bit. Also I think interacting with celebs is cool. It doesn’t happen often but I think it’s pretty rad yo. Like without twitter I would have never known Melanie Iglesias wants to marry me. She keeps calling me but I’m just really busy lately.
What are your five favorite subjects to tweet about?
I don’t really have any favorite subjects to tweet about. Usually all of my tweets are just random thoughts that I come up with at the time. There are certain things that I think amuse my brain more than others like babies, people being exploded, wolves, talking animals, misspellings, stuff like that. I love incorporating those types of things into my writing/tweets but I don’t always get the chance to. I really don’t draft any tweets, it’s all just in the moment.
What would you like to see more of on Twiiter dot commmm?
Puppies. We could all probably get together and post more pictures of puppies. Dogs are cute and I think they have the power to brighten up everyones day. I really like kitties too.
Have you ever taken molly inside a terrarium?
I have no idea what a terrarium is. Remember I’m 19 I don’t know a lot of things. But, I do not take any drugs. So no, I have never taken molly. Also I’m pretty sure this was a turtle or land animal joke and im upset again and crying. Thanks.
What’s your ultimate goal in life out of comedy?
I want to write stuff. I think stand up is really cool but I hate public speaking. I want to write for a TV show or popular website. Anything that would get me to make money from making people laugh would be great.
If you had a boomerang, three hours, and no consequences, what would you do?
Probably nothing. The boomerang is the worst invention since Dad Jeans. Just kidding, I only say that because I don’t really know how to use a boomerang. I guess really what I would do is try and learn how to use it. Maybe throw it at a few windows or something if there was really no consequences. Maybe paint it black and pretend it’s a gun and rob a bank. Or pretend it’s a gun and rob a dog store then teach the dog to fetch the boomerang. Perhaps I could teach the boomerang to fetch me a dog, paint it black, and tell the dog to rob a bank. Then, sell the dog, buy more boomerangs and paint the bank black.
"hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?"
"hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot"
*cops bust down door*
— eric turtle (@dubstep4dads) September 4, 2013