It’s been much too long since I interviewed someone and I apologize; I’ve been busy plotting against my neighbor’s baby and planning a pizza party for my nemesis (the Lord and I both work in mysterious ways). Anywho, I started following this very funny person a few months back. She constantly makes me laugh and she is ridiculously nice. Throw your sunglasses in the trash, put that old banana peel on your peepers and let’s get to know @pinupteacher.

Why hello! Who are you and how many blueberry muffins would you care for?

Hello!! I’m @pinupteacher and I can eat at least 5 blueberry muffins in one sitting. Possibly 6. So, give me 7.

How long have you been tweeting?

I made my first joke on twitter a little over a year ago during the dark days of February 2014.

How often do you tweet?

Depending on who you ask, too often. I tweet about once or twice a day, depending on my mood and my life.

What inspires your jokes the most?

My jokes are almost all inspired by real life events and observations. Any time I’ve attempted to “work” a tweet in drafts it has become an actual piece of trash. Smelly, smelly trash. So I never draft. I just live my life and wait for both big and small things to happen that trigger an image, a story, an interaction, or a joke in my mind. For better or for worse, my tweets are who I am. The way I think. The way I talk. Amped up vignettes from my real life.  I actually think I unknowingly developed my style by trying to think of witty text messages to send to people I was dating. Fun times.

What are your short and long-term writing goals?

I have never thought of myself as a writer.  For now, I love sharing snippets of my life on Twitter and hopefully making people laugh and feel connected by the commonalities of the human experience.

I’m currently working on a top secret Twitter related project that I’m incredibly excited about. Stay tuned!

Have you ever stolen fine China or regular China even? Have you stolen China?

Only the finest. I use it when I eat Taco Bell.

How many mangos can I fit in my babysitter’s minivan?

Math has never been my strong suit. 12?

What do you like to do when you’re not emptying words into a box to strangers?

When I’m not filling the stranger box, I am usually exploring different hoods in New York, spending time with lovely people, eating all the foods, and playing with my impossibly cute dog. I founded a new public school this past fall and am actually a principal now – I know, I can’t believe it either! So, my mind and heart are often thinking about how I can continue to build and improve the school for my students and their families.

What’s your favorite book?

This question immediately triggers flashbacks of some awesomely bad dates I’ve been on. Goodness, I have so many books that I love. Philip Roth’s “American Pastoral”, any poetry by Beth Ann Fennelly or Billy Collins, anything by Nabokov, plays by Tracy Letts, “Their Eyes Were Watching God” by Zora Neal Hurston. This probably makes me basic, but I adore David Sedaris. I also read a lot of nonfiction and works of social commentary. Basically, I can’t answer your question. Sorry.

What’s your favorite John Candy movie?

Uncle Buck, obviously.

Can you teach me how to have more confidence when I’m stealing fine China?

Just start talking about the all the tacos and crunchwraps you’re going to eat on it. Use a snooty voice. Works every time.

Do you let your imagination wander? If so, where does it go?

I couldn’t stop it if I wanted to. I’ve always been a dreamer. I imagine scenes or conversations I’d like to have with people. I anthropomorphize everything, so my mind is often bringing objects to life and imbuing them with personalities.

Do you have any advice for aspiring writers?

It may sound trite but my best advice is to be yourself. People can immediately tell if you’re putting on airs or trying a style that isn’t genuine. You are lovely just as you are. Use your voice. Also, you have to read a lot and think about what you like and why you like it. Read tweets, books, articles, advertisements, everything. It can be incredibly inspiring and can help you hone your specific voice and style.

Waffles or pancakes?

This question is cruel and unfair. Pancakes.

How often do you take a break from online life?

I try not to force anything. If I’m feeling uninspired, I step away for a few hours or a few days to recharge and see what moves me.

Do you have access to scepters?


What do you love about Twitter?

Oh goodness! I love so much about Twitter. Life can be really hard and can feel very lonely. This community is incredibly important. I know we all crack jokes about how stupid and meaningless Twitter can be. But the truth is that it’s a special place where you can connect to like-minded people from all over the world and feel significant and valued.  You can feel seen in a way that we often don’t in our day-to-day lives. It’s also so fulfilling to be creative and have a good laugh. Come for the jokes, stay for the genuine friendships.

Giraffes or ladders?

Giraffes. Have you seen their tongues?? Definitely giraffes.

Should I really have gotten suspended from PAYLESS, just for stealing fine China?

This is fucking outrageous and I plan to write a strongly worded letter on your behalf.

If you had a time machine, what would you wear tomorrow?

Stop trying to trick me.

Who are two people I should be following?

Just two?? WHY IS LIFE SO DIFFICULT? I love so many. Recently, I can’t get enough of @bobvulfov and @DancesWithTamis. Bob is fucking hilarious and Tamara is wonderfully crass.

What still excites you in life?

I think the better questions is: what doesn’t excite me? Believe me, I battle with depression and self-loathing. I have shit days like everyone. But, life is so unbelievably and stupidly beautiful all the time. I live for the quirky details. For me, life is about knowing others deeply and being known. That drives every decision I make.

Can you give me a ride home?

If you don’t mind sharing shotgun with my dog, hop in!


FOLLOW @pinupteacher on Twitter dot com.

LET’S GET TO KNOW @jonnysun!

LET’S GET TO KNOW @jonnysun!

I’m going to put all my cards on the table. I know, without a doubt, that you are one of the most gifted writers and nicest people I’ve “met” through Twitter. This interview might go more in-depth than previous ones because I am so curious as to your writing process and I think that sentiment is shared online. I have questions for both Jonny and Jomny. Let me start with Jonny (feel free to chime in anytime though, Jomny!). HI! Let’s start with the most obvious question: Who are you and where are you from?

Hi! First off thanks for having me! I’m honored that you’ve asked me to do this, and thank you for the kind words you’ve written to introduce me. I love reading the interviews you’ve done with other wonderful folks and it’s really awesome how much thought you put into these questions. I’m gonna try to answer these questions as openly as possible and hope I don’t draw any hate from anyone. But sorry if I do. It’s going to seem like I take myself or twitter too seriously but I’m really just trying to answer everything as honestly as possible.

jomny: thamk u sam im lov u ok bye for now i wil wait nicely for my turn :]

My name is Jonathan! I’m Canadian!

How old are you and what do you do for a living?

I’m 24 and I’m a student currently doing a master’s degree in architecture.

How long have you been on Twitter and what made you join initially?

I’ve had twitter since high school. A circle of my friends all got it at the same time – right as we were graduating from high school and all going our separate ways – and we wanted to use it as a hip, cool, new way to keep in touch. We lost interest in it pretty quickly though because we didn’t know how to really use it or what to use it for. People have found my first post on Twitter and it’s something from like 2009 that says “japanese money looks so badass” because my friend showed me some Japanese money and I thought it looked badass.

Whatever the heck it is that I’m doing now on twitter started somewhere around the fall of 2012. I had just moved to the States to start my graduate program and, because I have never been good at adjusting to new places or meeting new people, I felt pretty lost. I also had no experience in architecture (I did my undergrad in engineering) and I was now in architecture school, surrounded by architects and architecture students. It was a big change. I was overwhelmed. I felt like a complete outsider.

When I moved, I also became disconnected from my sketch comedy family from Toronto, and so I had no creative outlet. Comedy (as well as theater and art and music) had been a huge part of my life up to that point. I think it’s healthy to have multiple things going on at once – especially when they are all different from each other and can offer balance to each other. But in a new school, in a new city, I didn’t have any of those outlets anymore.

While that was happening, I also stumbled upon this loosely-connected group of people on twitter posting weird jokes and things and I just loved it. I’d never seen that flavor of humor before – it seemed raw and genuine and different and strange and honest and it made me laugh a lot. I had posted random jokes on my twitter before, but I used to kind of just put them out there. Now I saw that there was this amazing community and I wanted to play, so I started writing jokes and trying to connect with people there. At some point, I drew a quick cartoon avatar and switched my personal account to a “character” account – I thought an alien would reflect my own feelings of being out of place at the time. So that’s where “jomny” came from. It became a safe place for me to record my own thoughts and to try to make myself and other people laugh.

Just as a side note to an already super-long answer (sorry – and it’s only the second question!)… I’m pretty fascinated with the idea that people relate more to a character or an imagined persona than to a “real person” on twitter. I know that when I started reading jokes on twitter, I found it a lot easier to laugh at something posted by an evil Homer Simpson or an 8-bit ghost with sunglasses than it was to laugh at some bro-guy wearing a baseball cap. I guess for me I always sensed that those “serious favstar comedians” were trying to use twitter to become a famous comedian or something and I was put off by that kind of… desperation? Narcissism? I don’t know how to describe it. It just didn’t feel like it came from a genuine place… (I’m in no way saying everyone who has a profile picture of their real face is like this… but I think everyone’s kind of familiar with that type of comedian on twitter). Anyway, I found that when there was a joke coming from a crab or something, it took that level of selfishness or self-promotion away and I found that it was easier to connect and laugh. I think as a reader, it’s also easier to project what you want someone to be like the more abstracted they are from a real person. Also, I think there’s a sense that the person writing behind that can have more freedom with what they write because it’s not directly linked to their face. That freedom of some level of anonymity can be a good or bad thing, but it definitely helps I think with the amazing absurdity of content on this end of twitter – some really cool things come out of that.

Are you always happy?

No. I try to be. But I feel like I’m usually not happy. I worry too much about everything. But I really do try to be happy. I think most people would describe me as a happy person so I guess that’s working. Having an outlet through twitter though where I can pour positivity and happiness and joy into is really nice. Also having the same outlet to pour worries and doubts and fears into is equally nice. They’re two sides of the same coin to me.

Do you see Twitter sticking around for a long time?

Twitter as a platform? I don’t know. I hope so though. People seem to like it. And I think there’s a lot of depth to it – to how people use it, to what people can do with it. As long as they don’t change the basic and simple formula. It’s within that simplicity and constraint that so much can happen with it.

I think it’s a really, really great writing exercise and tool because of that constraint. It forces you to be economic (economical? econo-comical?) with your words, which ultimately strengthens your writing because it teaches you to intensely value words and structure.

Another great lesson I’ve learned from the constraints of twitter is for establishing the platform – or the “set-up” – of the joke. The platform is generally the least-interesting part of a joke but it’s also absolutely essential… so twitter teaches you to be able to set up a joke really quickly so you can get to the tilt or punchline faster. That’s why joke formats are so popular on twitter – they are really easy and econo-comical set-ups. For better or for worse.

What are your long term comedy goals?

All the comedy I’ve had the chance to do so far in my life (twitter, writing, sketch, improv) is personal to me and at its essence, I think, it’s an emotional survival tool to make myself laugh and to find people who can make me laugh. I come from too much of a practical family to really entertain the idea of doing comedy for a living. There’s a saying that goes (and I’m paraphrasing here): “If you can do anything other than comedy that can make you happy — go do it for god’s sakes!” but more and more, I’m starting to think I wouldn’t really be happy doing anything else. So we’ll see. I’m still trying to psych myself up to trying to do comedy full-time or even part-time. If anyone would be willing to help me out or could give me some advice, please do! I would be very grateful for it. I think in my perfect world, I would be writing comedy for TV or film.

How often do you write tweets?

Purely as a self-discipline exercise, I try to post at least one joke on twitter every day. It doesn’t sound like much but when school and life get really busy, it’s easy for me to lose track of time and this is a way to ground myself I guess. I also just like putting stuff out there on twitter… there’s that huge dopamine release to getting instant feedback on something. It’s like having a constant lab of ideas that is always open to work with. But in terms of actually WRITING stuff, it’s a more constant process and– oh, that’s what the next question is about.

How do you come up with them? Do you have a process?

Okay: in terms of actually WRITING stuff, it’s a more constant process and less scheduled. Basically I keep a giant note file on my phone of every idea I have that I think might have potential, and I’ve gotten pretty disciplined about writing literally every idea down in this file. It’s not just for twitter jokes – it’s any idea that I think I could turn into something in the future. Whenever I can, I just go through this huge list over and over: editing, deleting, elaborating, rephrasing, tweaking whatever idea sparks something when I see it again on the list. Over time, ideas get polished into something that I can either write a sketch about or write a joke about or a script or a story or anything. Eventually ideas will get deleted if they’ve been on the list too long and nothing wants to happen with them.

I try to be really aware when my brain generates a thought or a phrase, or when I see or hear something interesting… I’ll write it down on the go. It will go on the list just as “potato time” or something, and eventually I’ll be able to look at it again and work on it later. The constant revisiting of the ideas on the list means eventually everything that gets written down will be looked at again and again at a later time, which, to me, takes a lot of pressure off of coming up with fully-formed ideas on the spot. A thing that everybody says about writing is that it’s easier to edit than to create, or that editing is where the magic happens, or that editing is the hardest part about writing. All of that is probably true.

The other big thing I try to do is just constantly take in different things: read a lot of things, watch a lot of things, do new things, talk to people about things, and so on. And not comedy things. Anything and everything. I’m not the best at it but I try. The way I see it is: your brain generates ideas by drawing connections between things, and so you need to constantly feed your brain new things to draw those connections out of. The more that goes in, the more that can come out.

What frustrates you about Twitter?

I mentioned the freedom of being able to post things online anonymously. I guess the most frustrating thing about twitter is the negative energy that comes out of that freedom sometimes. But that’s really tricky too because everyone thinks they are doing the right thing and I understand that people need to vent and react to things too for their own reasons. I try not to get wrapped up in it. When I first started getting haters on twitter I would get really upset. I still do. So if anyone who doesn’t like me on twitter is reading this… you win.

What really makes you laugh?

I don’t know. If there’s a way to get the entire audience to feel like they are in on a really personal inside joke – that’s gold. That’s one of my favorite things. Usually that means I tend to like the less-well-known “underground” things that are a little too clever or a little too subversive – things you have to “get” before you can enjoy them. That’s probably pretentious. But I do think there’s a huge pleasure response that you get when you feel like you are part of something – part of a group. If you can create something that makes people laugh but also makes them feel smart – like they’ve figured something out or that they’re part of the group that “gets” it – I think people like that.

In that category I guess people like Mitch Hedburg, Jack Handey, a lot of British comedy, and just the whole realm of satire (for better or worse) operate on that level I think.

The danger, or the flip-side of that type of comedy is purely reference-based comedy, which I think operates on that same kind of “I get it” mechanic to the audience but comes from a shallower place. Instead of “I get what they’re doing or what they’re commenting on or what mechanics they are playing with”, it’s just “I get that reference”. It just becomes a test of pop-culture knowledge without any depth or truth or commentary.

I also really like comedy that also explores other emotions – where the end game isn’t just to get someone to laugh, but it’s to get someone to think about or feel something greater. Laughter is this amazing human response that really is definitely maybe possibly about diffusing danger or threat, I guess. So comedy is a great tool to safely address, maybe, some bigger issues or deeper emotions without feeling threatened or in danger. Out of these deeper emotions you can also get a lot more truth and then reach something even deeper and funnier. It’s a lot more of an emotional investment but more of a reward too. That’s also in the same area as the “getting people to feel like they’re in on a secret” because when you have some sort of true honest emotion, you don’t really think that someone else could have that same emotion. You think it’s unique and maybe embarrassing or shows weakness so you don’t want to share it. But of course everyone feels things all the time and that feeling of being able to relate to someone else’s honest genuine emotions is that same “eureka” response.

People who do that… well, I’m a big fan of the Irish playwright Martin McDonagh – he’s a genius. His work is amazing. He made “In Bruges” and “Seven Psychopaths” and wrote a bunch of amazing plays including “The Pillowman”. And his brother John Michael McDonagh is also amazing – he made this brilliant film called “The Guard” with Don Cheadle and Brendan Gleeson (his latest one Calvary was also hilarious and interesting). I used to be a drama kid so a lot of my inspiration comes from theater – David Ives is also really brilliant and I like Eric Bogosian as well. Louie is a great show too.

“Weird comedy” fits really nicely into both of these categories to me because there is a lot more mental investment you have to make to laugh a weird stuff, I think. You have to “get” it before you can laugh at it. And you have to let your guard down. Weird stuff is inherently threatening because it’s different and naturally subversive. It’s doing things that aren’t normal. But it’s a great example of a “benign violation” (a benign violation is something perceived to be a threat but in reality is safe… it’s a comedy theory I’ve been reading a bit about lately).

The humor on twitter – when it’s unique – is really unique. I think it partially has to do with the level of anonymity on twitter (even if you’re tweeting from a personal account, somehow, there’s still a feeling of anonymity because it just goes out into the internet). Sometimes that creates horrible, horrible bad evil things on the internet. But sometimes that allows people to be honest and vulnerable and really open and genuine. And weird. And that’s when it’s really interesting and special. Even the really strange, weird twitter tweets have some sort of personal, confessional aspect to them, I think. And that’s cool because it’s this form of content that hasn’t been vetted by someone else. It’s really pure and personal. It’s even different from, say, any piece of media produced by an individual author, because the stuff on twitter isn’t really filtered through an audience either. It’s not molded into something that an audience is supposed to respond to… or at least it shouldn’t be. It just exists as this rough, unpolished thing from some person’s brain or soul or heart or butt. It’s raw. When stuff is good on twitter, it’s often because it feels like it wasn’t really written for an audience because why would there be an audience for what some person puts on twitter. But of course there is always an audience for anything. I think “weird twitter” is getting a bad rep lately because people have adopted the “aesthetic” but are losing that genuine quality of it… it’s maybe starting to be too audience-based. I have definitely been accused of that too though, I guess. But I don’t think I am… but that’s not really for me to say, I guess. I always try to write for myself and try to figure out what makes me laugh though. I’m just glad other people think it’s cool too.

What are some of your favorite books?

I’m not a big novel-reader… Let’s go with Hurakami’s “Hardboiled Wonderland and the End of the World”, “The Life of Pi”, “The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime”. You’ll notice all those books came out roughly at the same time. That’s because I didn’t invest in reading enough after high school. I get a lot more joy out of reading plays and theater though… Samuel Beckett, Neil Simon, Ionesco, that’s the kind of stuff I started reading in high school. Some of my favorite playwrights are Martin McDonagh, David Ives, Eric Bogosian, Craig Pospisil, Christopher Durang, Daniel McIover, Steve Martin. Aside from that, I’m starting to read more screenplays… Obviously, the Coen brothers write amazing screenplays (seeing how they describe their films in words is beautiful). I like e.e. cummings a lot and I think I’m partially influenced by his style and other poets like him. I like Demetri Martin’s books, and Jack Handey is obviously a legend. Jack Handey is amazing. Actually I just want to scratch out the rest of this answer and say Jack Handey.

You have insight beyond your years. Are you from another planet? Did Jomny come to you one day? Please tell us about his arrival.

Thank you Sam… to respond directly: I don’t, I’m not, and I’m not sure. I just worry a lot and stress myself out and think too much, I guess. But it’s nice to have an outlet for that.

I’ve talked a bit about where the “jomny” character came from earlier, but one more thing I’ll add is this: I’ve tried to explain the misspellings to people before and I think it’s something people either accept or don’t. And that’s fine with me. To me, that is all about creating a voice and character in a medium that’s purely textual… I’m also interested in how you can affect the idea of comedic timing through those misspellings. Forcing a reader to slow down just for a millisecond because they are tripped up over a typo I think creates a delayed delivery that kind of translates to the actual time-based element of telling a joke in real life.

Do you consider yourself a part of “weird twitter?” 

Yeah… and it would be an honour to be considered a part of that. I know it’s gotten a bad rep lately – I mentioned that earlier – but the type of “weird twitter” that “weird twitter” was when I started playing was beautiful. It still is, I think… but I would also understand how it’s an aesthetic that’s been “appropriated” a bit now.

Are there clear divisions in different “types” of Twitter, in your mind?

Sure… but I think the really genuine and interesting people don’t fit into clear categories. I think if you’re trying to define yourself too much with a specific “type” of content, you stop being interesting. You’re trying too hard to fit into something you think people want, and are losing the truth and honesty. But I don’t know if I’m allowed to say that – people accuse me of that all the time.

Who are two super-talented people that are under followed that you’d like to mention now?

Oh man… there are too many that I’d feel bad by just naming two… I can’t do it. Follow everyone. Just explore and follow whoever you want and whoever you like. Follow people I retweet and people who I follow. If you want. People on twitter are just so great.



How old are you?


Your writing is very impressive but your control of the English Language is almost unprecedented, who are the greats that you studied under? Or is everyone as smart as you, where you come from? Also. where do you come from?

i had to teache myslef omce i got here… peopel seem to understamd me. i domt kno where im from but i like to be here now and make friemds and thats the most importamt thimg right now!!!!!

Are you hopeful for humanity?

ya!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i wana b part of humanitey too adn im tryimg as hard as i can

What makes you giggle the most?


Jonny: Garp is an amazing puppy that crushingbort was taking care of for a while. Bless Garp.

Do people make “PHONE HOME/TWEET HOME” jokes all the time when you go out?

ya but then i do phone home and i say hi to my mom adn then i say “my friemds told me to call u” but then my friemds stop laughimg

Sometimes you get a little darker than people expect, is there death and sadness where you come from?

samn, there is death and sadness evrywhere!!!!!!! but don’t worry its goimg to b ok.

Is comedy a way you cope with life on this planet?

ya bc i learned that peopel like me mor if i can b funy

If you could be any animal in the world are you still able to introduce me to ALF?

i domt know if i can be able to do that if im a pigeon!!!!!!!!!! maybe if i can draw words with a pen then i coud convimce both sam gribtner and alf that i hav turned into a pigeon & then i might hav a chamce. but domt worry sam!!!! i wil fimd a way to make it hapen!!!!!

Do you have any advice for aspiring writers/weirdos out there?

write a lot about thimgs that interest u and do what is importamt to u!!!!!! dont wory abot what other peopel think and want bc only u know who u realy are. but dont be bad

I tip my hat to you because not only do you write consistently perfect jokes and beautiful thoughts, you do it in OUR language. That takes so much time and effort. It is noticed. Last question, have you ever held a star? If so, tell us what it felt like.

thamk u sam!!!!!!! i like to read ur jokes and thoughtes too yay!!! it is hard for me somtimes to type because my fimgers are so fat :[ a have never held a star bc a star is GIANT!!!!! hav u ever seen one?!?!! theyre so big!!!!! but i have HUGGED a star befor!!!!! and i hav hugged the plamnet earth too its easy u just lie face down on the floor and spread ur arms wide and congrats ur hugging the plamnet now

Does being a nice guy/alien pay off?

YA i like to make friemds and i hav made lots of very nice friemds who are very amazing and interestimg and smart and fun, including…… SAM GRIBTNER!!!!!! yay!!!! thamk u for this verey nice interview!!!!!

FOLLOW @jonnysun!!!

LET’S GET TO KNOW @ch000ch (AKA @ch000ch)

HI! Over the summer I was more depressed than I’ve ever been in my entire life. I stopped tweeting, reading, eating, sleeping, responding to human interactions. Basically, I got the best at crying in a shower for hours on end. I should have trophies. Then one day I remembered that life is kinda rad when you live it so I started doing that again. I had written Twitter off because it had inflated my ego and that had led to a series of stupendously idiotic decisions. But, I could go there and read, I didn’t have to post! And that’s when I discovered a new school of thought online. I followed @jonnysun @buckyisotope and @dubstep4dads (there are so many more!) and I started looking at Twitter in a different light. If you go back on my timeline , you can see me embracing “Weird Twitter,” except I don’t know what that is. All I know is that people started using the box to create scenes and stopped only doing one-liners or hashtag games. AND THEN six months ago, I read a tweet about a grandma and a rap battle and I couldn’t stop laughing. I mediately followed this person(?) named @ch000ch. In six months he’s gone from 8,000 to 21k as of posting this. He is a prolific genius. LET’S HAVE A HOOT!



LET’S GET TO KNOW@ch000ch!
Hi! WHO are you? Get it? Cause of the Owl avatar?

Hey Sam! Well I’m a very normal adult male from Philadelphia with a very normal passion for owls and other nocturnal birds. I also enjoy trying to be WHO-murous on the interweb. (nailed it)

How long have you been on Twitter?

As a guy making jokes, about 6 months. Before that I was your typical twitter user, harassing celebrities and posting like 12-20 VERY clever hashtags per day.

How often do you spend writing jokes?

Some days more than others. On a regular day I spend around 6 hours perfecting a dildo joke before sending it to drafts and forgetting about it. Otherwise I’m just writing whatever pops off in my head. I try to tweet at least once per day just so people know I’m still alive.

Who are your comedic inspirations? Jesus, Mariah Carey, Zeus, Mariah Carey, Clint Eastwood but only when he’s talking to a stool?

Funny you should ask because I compose most of my tweets as if I’m talking directly to Mariah Carey. I like to imagine her laughing at my jokes while sitting there admiring my well defined calves. We exchange a flirtatious glance, then passionately embrace. The next morning I ask how she feels about the Plan B pill and she’s totally cool with it, which is a relief.

Do you work on tweets or do they all just pop in your head?

I work on some of them. Sometimes a concept for a joke will pop up but I don’t know how to make it funny in 140 characters so I’ll let it go for a while. I think most stuff pops into my head.

Why don’t you use your real name?

Well first, I have an embarrassing last name (John Penisman) and second, I think people, including myself, unconsciously find made up characters to be more entertaining for some reason.

Are you an actual owl?

I like to think that we’re all owls, in a way. I guess in the sense that we’re all beautiful, blood-thirsty, nocturnal birds of darkness.

Do you think there is an advantage to keeping your identity secret? Do you ever feel like Batman?

I don’t think there’s any advantage to it but I do feel like Batman in a way. We have very similar childhood pasts. He fell into a cave and was swarmed by bats, which made him terrified of bats. I fell into a cave and was swarmed by spiders, which made me terrified of spiders. He used his fear of bats as a symbol to scare the bad guys and became Batman. I used my fear of spiders the same way and became Spiderman.

You’re on a deserted island you can only bring three things, what’s the fourth that you leave behind?

My Lethal Weapon 4 dvd. I mean I love Chris Rock, but come on, that movie was garbage. And Jet Li? More like Jet please. Amiright?

Who are three people I need to check out?

God I could list off a few dozen. Off the top of my head, a few very clever people that make me laugh regularly are @twelveyearsold, @jamie1947, and @jenlaw_11.

You’ve gained an incredible amount of followers in a very short amount of time. We’ve talked before and so much of it has to do with the fact that you “get” Twitter and your so consistent with your quality. What advice do you have for the kids out there?

Thank you Sam! I don’t know if I know anything more than anyone else on Twitter, but here are a few ideas I kind of go by.
If you’re going for funny and you can make yourself laugh, that’s all that matters.
The less serious you take yourself the better.
When Twitter feels like a chore try and take a breather.
And as @saddesttiger says, they can’t all be home runs.
Oh, and most importantly, be nice.

Meet or greet and why?

Definitely greet. I know a pretty elaborate secret handshake that involves singing an entire No Doubt album.

Do you like THE WHO? I’m sorry but you’re an Owl…

That’s one of those bands that you’re supposed to like if you want music cred but unfortunately I couldn’t name a single song. Owl City followed me on Twitter for a few minutes once. That was cool.

(editor’s note: fuck that noise! Owl City is shitty! They followed then unfollowed so many funny people!)

What are are your aspirations on Twitter?

I don’t really think I have any, other than to keep it in a place where it doesn’t affect my mood. If it stays fun for a long time, that’s great.

Should I diversify my ice cream collection?

Sure, and you can kill 3 birds with one stone with Neapolitan

What’s the coolest place you’ve ever tweeted from?

One time I tweeted a joke from the bathroom of a Vietnamese restaurant. I think it bombed. Either way I was eating pho so I was pretty happy.

What are your favorite subjects to tweet about?

I think the one thing I’ve tweeted about most is courtroom humor, but that’s probably like 10 jokes. Other than that my stuff is kind of all over the place. If there’s a common theme in most of my jokes it’s that I’m an idiot.

Do I own enough hardcover books?

Define “I” (that’s a philosophy zinger I just came right up with)

What annoys you on Twitter dot com?

I don’t like when people are mean to each other, or deride a particular style of tweeting. Also that horse wearing pants meme pisses me off. Just kidding, I f*ing love that horse.

Twitter is fun, What else is fun?

I’m a pretty outdoorsy guy. I like camping, snowboarding, hiking, and all that stuff. I’m really into film and music, but I don’t really consider myself super knowledgeable with those things.

Sum up America in four words, a triangle, and a piece of clothing and/or sandwich:

Two scary illuminati socks.

How many licks does it take to get to the center of a lollipop?

It’s not possible because the stick is at the true center of the lollipop. Boom! Owned!

Follow @ch000ch (those are all zeroes!) on Twitter until three months from now when he’s so famous that you all know his name because he’s writing for SNL)

LET’S GET TO KNOW ERIC C. (AKA @dubstep4dads)

Hey Gang! Let’s DIVE right into this interview! I’m so sorry, I thought he was really a turtle and would get a kick out of all the turtle references but it turns out that HE is actually a 19-year-old dude living in Chicago who caught my eye a few months ago. He is one of favorite accounts that I make sure to check daily. I won’t waste any more time, I’ll just get the SHELL out of the way! (I’M SO SORRY!)

LET’S GET TO KNOW: ERIC C. AKA @dubstep4dads

Hello and Welcome. What’s your name?

Hi! My names Eric Michael. Michael is my middle name. I’m not comfortable with sharing my last name because I’ve heard some rumors about you Sam and I’m afraid you’re going to kill me. We can be friends online though!

How long have you been on Twitter?

Well I started early March of 2013. So I don’t know, about nine months, although it feels like it’s been years. *looks in the mirror at my wrinkled sad face*

What made you join?

Well I followed a few comedians about a year ago and I thought they were really funny. One of them retweeted a couple of writers who weren’t as popular and I found them hilarious. Through that cycle, I found Lawblob (@lawblob) whos’ tweets I really enjoyed. I found some other accounts through him and I thought I might as well try it myself. The idea of making people laugh from posting on twitter seemed really cool. I had no expectation of getting many followers or any popularity, I just thought I may have a shot at making some people laugh.

Are you really a turtle?

Yes. I am a turtle. It’s not the easiest life ever but I get by pretty well. My hardcore gang tattoos keep most of the street thugs away from me.

How old are you?

I just turned 19 in November. You can still buy me a gift if you want.

Do you have family in the Galapagos?

Is this a turtle joke? I said no turtle jokes Sam. ANYWAYS, no, I don’t have family in the Galapagos. Most of my family is from Chicago. Also, they’re in a gang. Being in a gang as a turtle is tough because you can’t really buy t-shirts or clothing that differentiate you from other gangs. Basically there’s only one gang and nobody ever fights. But it is tough on the streets. A couple weeks ago my uncle Ronnie fell off a 7 inch curb and rolled onto his back. Took the turtle ambulance six weeks to reach him. They don’t have cars. He should be fine though.

Do you love sewer-pizza?

I never watched Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (GASP) and I think that’s what this is in reference to… I’m sure I would enjoy some sewer pizza, but I haven’t been able to get any. Basically, my diet consists of lettuce. And more lettuce. Sometimes I eat my poo by accident.

How often do you tweet?

A couple times a day. Depending on how creative I’m feeling. Sometimes I won’t tweet at all for a  few days if I think I suck. Other days, I’ll tweet 5-10 things, some of them are terrible but if my brain is being creative I just let them through.

Do you perform or write elsewhere?

I wrote a few articles and have a column at TheCrispestAttic.com so that’s pretty cool. I write articles for fun sometimes just to make myself laugh. My type of humor isn’t for everyone but I’m just glad I can make myself laugh through my silly writing.

Who are your favorite comedians perfuming these days?
I don’t really have any, and I don’t watch stand up too often. Sorry :/
What’s your dream job?

Getting paid to write or make people laugh in some way. I love to make people laugh and I think it would be really great to get paid to do what I love. Also, I think drawing things is cool too but I don’t know how to draw. I wish I did though. I wish I also had a pet wolf to ride around on. I think it would be really sweet to show up to school on a wolf. You know, like a really quiet kid who rides to school on a wolf dressed in black and doesn’t talk to anybody. Everyones like “whoa. Whats up with that kid”. Yeah that’s me.

How many muskets is enough?

69 is enough. 70 is one too many and 68 is really just not enough. Also, 69 is like the sex number.

God is dead. They need another day of the week, GO:

Turdday. The day of the week where everyone gets together with their family and appreciates turds. Some are different sizes than others and some smell very different and I think we all need to appreciate that.

If you had to make love to an type of triangle, what triangle would it be?

Definitely a right triangle. Acute triangles just aren’t enough for me, believe me, I’ve tried. Obtuse triangles are unpredictable. One day they’re sleeping with you, the next they’re putting your baby in a fridge. Babies don’t belong in fridges.

Where do babies come from?

I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again, I’m pretty sure babies aren’t real.

Where do Biebers come from?

I think Bieber is from Canada. That’s why he sucks, haha! Just kidding. I like Canada a lot probably. I’ve never been there though. @8bitf0x lives in Canada. You should follow him he is a nice boy. We kissed once
You seem to have extensive hip-hop roots and knowledge. Is this true and have you ever hugged Funkmaster Flexx?

I’m not sure if you made that up or just did your research but honestly I’m impressed. I’m a huge fan of hip-hop. But, no, I’ve never hugged Funkmaster Flexx. Also, I don’t think hes a funk master. Maybe like a funk apprentice or something but I wouldn’t call him the master.

What’s your favorite part about Twitter?

Well I guess I would have to say that my favorite part about twitter is getting replies from people who enjoy my material. It’s nice to know that if I’m out shopping or doing really whatever and I have an idea, I can just post it and make somebody, somewhere, laugh a bit. Also I think interacting with celebs is cool. It doesn’t happen often but I think it’s pretty rad yo. Like without twitter I would have never known Melanie Iglesias wants to marry me. She keeps calling me but I’m just really busy lately.

What are your five favorite subjects to tweet about?

I don’t really have any favorite subjects to tweet about. Usually all of my tweets are just random thoughts that I come up with at the time. There are certain things that I think amuse my brain more than others like babies, people being exploded, wolves, talking animals, misspellings, stuff like that. I love incorporating those types of things into my writing/tweets but I don’t always get the chance to. I really don’t draft any tweets, it’s all just in the moment.
What would you like to see more of on Twiiter dot commmm?

Puppies. We could all probably get together and post more pictures of puppies. Dogs are cute and I think they have the power to brighten up everyones day. I really like kitties too.

Have you ever taken molly inside a terrarium?

I have no idea what a terrarium is. Remember I’m 19 I don’t know a lot of things. But, I do not take any drugs. So no, I have never taken molly. Also I’m pretty sure this was a turtle or land animal joke and im upset again and crying. Thanks.
What’s your ultimate goal in life out of comedy?

I want to write stuff. I think stand up is really cool but I hate public speaking. I want to write for a TV show or popular website. Anything that would get me to make money from making people laugh would be great.
If you had a boomerang, three hours, and no consequences, what would you do?

Probably nothing. The boomerang is the worst invention since Dad Jeans. Just kidding, I only say that because I don’t really know how to use a boomerang. I guess really what I would do is try and learn how to use it. Maybe throw it at a few windows or something if there was really no consequences. Maybe paint it black and pretend it’s a gun and rob a bank. Or pretend it’s a gun and rob a dog store then teach the dog to fetch the boomerang. Perhaps I could teach the boomerang to fetch me a dog, paint it black, and tell the dog to rob a bank. Then, sell the dog, buy more boomerangs and paint the bank black.

Follow @dubstep4dads on Twitter and check him out on TheCrispestAttic.com


This week I chatted with a mysterious gal from the World Wide Interwebs. I’ve had the pleasure of meeting her in real life; we had a delightful time and still have plans to kidnap a waterfall. Her name is Nikki (@squirreljustice). She is weird, she is strange, and she’s a brilliant writer. Put those pork chops in the freezer and tell Pop Pop he’ll have to eat tomorrow, let’s get to know Nikki!


LET’S GET TO KNOW: NIKKI A.K.A. (@Squirreljustice)

Hello person! You got a name?

Hi Sam, it’s me Nikki. We actually met at the NYC tweetup, but since we were heavily intoxicated from licking poisonous frogs, I can see how that little detail would have gotten lost in the mix. I din’t want to have to bring this up, but you still haven’t returned my latex onesie or prosthetic eye.  [EDITOR’S NOTE: Correct!]

How long have you been doing the funnies? Do you comedy aside from Twitter?

I have been on Twitter for about 4 years, with occasional breaks to pee, complete court-ordered rehab for poisonous frog-licking addiction and to choreograph sweet hip-hop dance routines in my driveway. I actually tried stand-up a few times after I moved to NYC after college, and I was so good at it, everyone in attendance suggested I never step foot on a stage again. It was the right thing to do because it inspired me to fulfill my dreams of becoming a low-paid performer/dancer at Disney World, and ultimately a low-paid videographer living in the rectal region of New Jersey.

Sharks or bees and why?

I’m gonna have to go with bees on this one. I respect their work ethic and their tenacity in trying to kill me everyday. I am extremely allergic to bees, so much so, I require a violent EpiPen injection into my heart when that Honey Nut Cheerios bee appears on TV. I would imagine that I’m also highly allergic to shark bites as well. Either way, this line of questioning is really making me nervous.

What’s your favorite activity to do in real life?

My favorite activity is playing tennis. I know this is hard to imagine considering my gang history growing up on the mean streets of Raleigh, NC. Whenever I had a stressful day busting caps in asses, running from the po-po and generally causing mayhem in the Lilly Pulitzer Outlet Store, I’d head over to the country club to work on my backhand with fellow gang member and doubles partner, Whitney “Mad Dog” Kensington. RIP girl, gone too soon.

Copa or Cabana?

I first read this as COPD or Cabana, and this was really conflicting for me. COPD might not be so bad. Imagine rolling up in the club with a tricked out oxygen tank, twerking in between using your rescue inhaler and really bringing the house down with a full blown pulmonary embolism to the funky fresh beats of DJ Wrongholz on the wheels of steel. On second thought, a cabana sounds really nice too.

Who’s your favorite comedian right now?

This may be in violation of the protective order but I absolutely love Dave Hill. He was one of the first people I followed on Twitter and everything he writes is so effortlessly funny. I’ve seen him at UCB and he really puts on a great show. If you ever find yourself on house arrest with some time to kill, I would highly recommend buying his book, reading his blog from start to finish and signing up for his email updates. His writing is nothing short of brilliant.

I just gave you 500 toothbrushes. WHAT DO YOU DO????

First of all, I would be extremely self-conscious about this. Is my breath that bad? OK, so maybe I shouldn’t have eaten those 4-day old leftover conch fritters and gotten all up in your grill to talk in great length about hearty halibut helpings, but is that any reason to react in such a hurtful and financially irresponsible manner? I would probably graciously accept the aforementioned toothbrushes and sell them at a seedy NJ flea market and use the proceeds to score some more poisonous frogs. It’s a vicious cycle.

What’s the worst part about comedy?

I am not a fan of jokes made at the expense of people with disabilities. There are so many awful people out there who are worthy of getting skewered (ProdigalSam, Mark McGrath, my town’s comptroller, et al) and I think that going after the disadvantaged is cheap and shows a real defect in character.

What’s the best part about comedy?

As far as the comedy element on Twitter goes, I’d have to say that I’ve met some really cool people, @fleshcake, @stellartwot, @senorwinces and @wordsofahooker to name a few. I’m consistently in awe of @untresor, who cranks out the most unbelievably outlandish tweets like it’s  nothing. I’m not sure, but I think he might be a cyborg or possibly even Oprah. It’s also great for my already  over-inflated ego to get recognized by famous people. Whenever I get retweeted or a FF from a famous person, I like to print it out and use it to cut in lines or as a substitute for a tip. I think the gals at Red Lobster really get a kick out of waiting on royalty and this kind of generosity is just one of the ways I like to stay humble.

What would you do with $250,000?

I’d prearrange my funeral arrangements with a dope ass mausoleum surrounded by a lazy river so people can chillax while paying their respects to me (No lifeguard on duty).

What are the five topics you tweet about the most?

1. The elderly and how they are constantly inconveniencing me with their mere existence.


3. Elderly Wolves

4. Mark McGrath propaganda

5. Ham

How often do you tweet?

I haven’t been tweeting much lately because it’s really starting to interfere with my Candy Crush progress. Sometimes I’ll go a few days without tweeting and out of sheer desperation, I’ll get baked and write something profound (idiotic) about the Scooby Doo bats. I have found that this is a fantastic way to lose followers.

What do you wish more people would joke about?

Definitely the Scooby Doo bats. I think that should be a staple in everyone’s Twitter feed.

Name two underrated people I should look at on Twitter please and goddamned thank you!

I really enjoy @earthfalcon33 who is another person from NC who may or may not be in a ruthless gang. He actually posted his phone number one time, so I waited a few months and started sending him random texts about planning his upcoming quinceanera. He totally ran with it and needless to say, his quinceanera was the talk of the town. I also think you should check out @iheartsoups. He is currently in a negative frame of mind, but that’s just par for the course when you’re trying to balance being a goth teen and managing a successful cranberry bog.

Cats or rocks? Why? and WHY NOT?

I feel like you’re trying to trip me up in these questions, but what you don’t know is that I went on a 2 week mescaline bender in the late 90’s and these kinds of questions are right up my alley. The answer is rocks. Have you ever tried throwing a cat through your ex-boyfriend’s window at 4am? I have, and a rock is more efficient, not to mention being slightly more humane. I’ve also discovered that cats in their melted form are not lava in the way rocks are. Don’t ask me how I know this.

What celebrity would you like to swap spit with (not kiss, literally exchange spit, like momma birds)?

Hmm, that’s a tough one. I’d probably accept a regurgitated cronut from Dan Marino. I’d then use at least 6 of my 500 toothbrushes. You’re a visionary, Sam.

What would stop you from doing comedy?

A stern warning from the Surgeon General or maybe something along the lines of an angry mob wielding hatchets and chanting “STOP DOING COMEDY!”

What pearls of wisdom do you have for aspiring writers?

Write from the heart, and always wipe front to back.

Follow Nikki (@squirreljustice) on Twitter!


So much young talent is online. This week I put down the blackjack cards and finally got around to talking to Internet “funsation” (I made that term up and promise never to use it again) Brendan O’Hare. He met me in a dark alley in the back of the Internet and we chatted about what floats his boat, soda, tigers, and a bunch of other stuff. Tell your mother you’ll call her later, you’ve got a date with words that starts right now.

Brendan O'Hare


Hi! Who the hell are you and what are you doing on my porch?

Hello! My name is Brendan O’Hare, a local boy known throughout the town for my ability to stack a mean pile of bananas at the farmer’s market. I’m on your porch because I would like to talk to you about the good word of a little guy named Jesus Christ, son of Mr. Christ.

How long have you been doing the laughies? Do you do comedy aside from Twitter?

I have been telling jokes on Twitter for about a year now. Aside from that, I was on my school’s improv team last year, but I just transferred schools. So I doubt they’ll be having me back. I’m going to school in the New York City come August, and I plan on doing open mics and UCB. I also will put poorly-executed sketches up online from time to time.

How many tigers is enough?

Not enough, am I right!!! Am I?

What’s your favorite activity to do in real life?

I guess reading, like any good shut-in.

Who’s your favorite comedian working right now?

Probably John Mulaney. His work ethic is incredibly inspiring for a young comedian like m’self, and it’s amazing to watch someone and know that they are going to be one of the most influential people in comedy in a few years. His show not getting picked up by NBC was a horrible bummer. I’ve also really gotten into Bo Burnham lately, whose willingness to alter the traditional rigid stand-up style is really innovative and remarkable to watch.

The roof is on fire, WHAT DO WE DO????

Get rid of my journals that entail my plan to burn down the roof.

What’s the worst part about comedy?

Knowing my only skill has literally no purpose in a post-apocalyptic world.

What’s the best part about comedy?

Being around other funny people who make you a funnier person by some sort of hilarity osmosis.

What would you do for this crumpled $2 bill?

Mistake it for garbage.

What are the five topics you tweet about the most?

The frailty of the human race, cliches, popular culture figures like the Hamburglar, rap music, and Air Bud (although I’d like to think I have retired Air Bud tweets, he will certainly make a comeback, but not a good comeback, like a Michael Jordan on the Wizards comeback).

How often do you tweet?

About 5-7 times a day, and I delete 4-5 of those because I am a horrible garbage person.

What do you wish more people would joke about?

Global warming deniers.

Name two underrated people I should look at on the Twitter please and thank you!

@corysnearowski and @robwhisman should have AT LEAST 10,000 followers but no more than 11,000.

What’s a great book you just read?

I’ll give you the great book I’m reading NOW: I Found This Funny, a compilation of funny short stories edited togther by Judd Apatow.

What would stop you from doing comedy?

A minor setback, like a negative internet comment.

How am I doing? Can you smell the watermelons?

You’re doing fine! If nothing, I smell like watermelons because of my part-time job at the town supermarket’s produce department.

What advice do you have for people? Any at all.

Just be a nice person, care about others, and don’t talk to me or look me in the eyes.

Can you give me a ride to the Shell station up the road?

Sure, but you’ll have to find your own ride back because you talked to me.

You can find Brendan on Twitter right here and make sure to check out his Tumblr for much more!