Sam’s Fall Guide to Fucking With Your Nemesis

Fall is here and you know what that means: leaves are writing their wills, scarves are growing in JO-ANN fabrics, pumpkins are patching, and before you know it, you’ll be giving candy to strangers’ obese kids, dressed like Thor and Lauren Bacall. School is back in session too. You’re probably focused on getting straight A’s and scoring Molly for the weekend. Those are important but don’t forget: Summer is over and Todd in first period always has some MDMA. Meanwhile, your nemesis is out there and they are waiting for you.

I know your mind is busy thinking about important things like “your future” and “which attic you hid in the bees in” so I’ve taken time out of my busy day of dojo inspections and talking to commas to write a short list on how you can stay one step ahead of your nemesis at all times or at least until the last leaf falls.

1) Change Your Name

When you find someone that hates you with every fiber of their being, a great gag to pull on them is to legally change your name. Most people know me as Sam Grittner but my real name is Glass Sanchez Torpedoson (I didn’t change it because I had a nemesis, just because it was a really fucked up name). They have to go to so much trouble rebuilding their HATE SHRINES, getting new “FUCK MY NEMESIS, SAM” t-shirts and other assorted swag produced on the cheap AND on the fly that you’ll completely ruin their weekend.

2) Kill Them With Kindness

This one might seem simple but that’s only because it’s “technically” illegal: Give them delicious cakes, delectable pastries, and assorted cookies as often as you can (just make sure they all have enough ricin in them to knock out a gym locker room full of elephants).

3) Bury Them Alive (BEFORE They Do It To You)

I had a nemesis once that would do the same thing every Saturday afternoon for four years straight: they’d bury me alive in a pet cemetery. I’m happy to say it only took me two more years after another six, to realize that I could take a pre-emptive strike and bury her alive on Friday night outside the TOYS R’ US nearby. Not only did she stop trying to make my life a daily hell, we’ve since become best friends and exchange recipes and occasionally dog-sit for each other.

4) Take Their Hair

This one isn’t for everyone because it’s expensive and requires a willing Physician. Knock-out your nemesis using sleeping pills or public radio. Next bring them to a laser hair removal professional. When they wake up in the alley, make sure to place an antique mirror facing them, so when they come to, they immediately see the human mannequin they’ve become.

5) Replace Their Car With an Animal

So your nemesis wants to go out and fill all your drawers with cat food before setting you on fire just because you got the jump on them and poisoned them and took their hair, huh? Well, imagine their surprise when they go to get in their ’93 Subaru Forrester only to see that it’s been replaced by a spider monkey or a couple of emus. If there’s one thing 99% of all people hate, it’s seeing their ride replaced by animals (1% of the population does find it particularly endearing, so be warned).

6) Post Pictures of Them Having Sex With Inanimate Objects

Do you know how to Photoshop? Do you have a photo of your nemesis having sex? Of course you do! Now comes the fun part: picking out the inanimate objects that you want to make people think your mortal enemy is having sexual relationships with! The possibilities are limitless, until you’ve used all of them: a futon, motorcycle helmet, chopsticks, the state of Wyoming, batteries of any kind or assortment, a cloud that looks like Shelley Long, durable parchment, sticks, stones, stick and stones, their restraining order against you, AYN RAND, quinoa, etc.

7) Learn About Syria

This one might seem puzzling but it’s a winner. Bone up on all knowledge of current events but especially the big story right now: Syria. Then, “accidentally” run into your nemesis while they’re shopping for urns or while they’re getting changed in the morning and casually bring up chemical weapons. Spit all your knowledge and make an Assad out of them. On your way out hand them a homemade coupon good for “SUCKING YOUR BRAIN’S DICK, AGAIN”

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