Jumbled Thoughts Folded Neatly In A Pile

When I was fifteen-years-old I told my parents that I wasn’t going to attend college, I was going to pursue comedy and there was absofuckingluetly no way they could stop me and how did they like them apples (GOOD WILL HUNTING had just come out so it was a timely reference at the time)? They didn’t flinch for a second. “We love and support you if that’s what makes you happy,” they responded. WTF? How am I supposed to be the tortured genius I convinced myself I needed to become in order to be successful if my goddamn parents encouraged and loved me? What kind of perverse mind games were they playing? I later realized that with one sentence I saved my parents around $50-100,000 in tuition but they truly did and have supported me, unwaveringly, for the past seventeen years.

I moved to New York from St. Paul, MN to do stand-up comedy when I was twenty-five-years-old. Things did not go as planned. I ended up declaring bankruptcy which is THE COOLEST and I highly recommend it to any of you that hate the nuiscance of having access to money all the time. I ended up turning to Twitter and thanks to @imaudihere and @notjmiller and a weird surreal series of events, my view on how I could succeed in comedy was changed forever.

I’ve had encouragement over the years from so many people and I’m eternally grateful, so much so that I would steal a car or a painting that they liked or a painting of a car that they were just kind of into, I would do that for them, for you. I can’t name them all, there are too many but everyone I currently follow, I love and have definitely helped me along the way. The same goes with the MN comedy scene I came up in; I’ve never been surrounded by a more supportive, hard-working, and fun group.

During the beginning of December last year, I was approached about a writing position. I’ve been lucky enough to submit to some late night shows. I got passed over numerous times. This job sounded different. It sounded like for the first time in my life all my unique skills (juggling, encryption, cooking up joke stew) could be utilized. No way was I going to get it. I’m too weird, I didn’t go to college. Nope. I kept waiting tables and writing jokes for my own pleasure.

Then it happened. I got it. My first day was January 5th, 2015. It’s almost four months I’ve worked there and I still can’t believe it. I don’t take it for granted; I understand how lucky I am.

The site, www.InternetActionForce.com, launched almost four weeks ago and I am genuinely proud of the videos we’re creating. I’m really excited because we’re just getting started and I can’t emphasize how great the talent is, both my co-workers and the comedians we’re working with.


I’m only going to post this once. If you get time and I make you laugh, please check out the site. Like it on FB. Follow here. You know all the rest. It would mean a lot to me. I also understand, everyone is busy. Most everyone I know is pursuing their own passion or clothing line (never both), so if you get around to it, awesome. If not, DIE IN A- cool. It is what it is.

I do want to take this opportunity to thank everyone who has supported me over the years, specifically my family. Thank you Theresa, Fred, Jesse, and Dan.

Thank you to anyone that has ever come to a show, had me up on a slot, said a kind word, or gave me a shot. I’m so beyond humbled I can’t even see it in the rearview mirror.

Finally, thanks to my old biker crew, The Dazzleboots. I wouldn’t have made it without you Big Tony, Ace, Spruce Bringsteen, Tina Colada, Snake Eyes, Deuces Ex Machina, Jane, Old Man Withers, and of course, Snake Eyes Senior Carl’s Jr.

Below are some of my favorite videos we’ve made. Thanks for reading. I’m gonna get some suitcases and lemonade but you can stay as long as you want.





DEADLINE’S PR Company Has Their Work Cut Out For Them

You’re Probably Working With A Serial Killer Right Now


Every American Should Be Given Two Handguns and a Trained Falcon at Birth: An Essay

“Every American Should Be Given Two Handguns and a Trained Falcon at Birth”

The statistics are jarring: Only 1 out of every 500 American children are issued a handgun when they are born.


We live in a nation of Inventors, Musicians, Doctors, Scientists, Hat-Makers, Underrated Doo-Wop Groups, Mexicans, Oprah, Lasagna Tonyas, That Weird Asian Guy With Two(?) Mustaches, Religious Fanatics, MENSA members, Earls, Online Movie Reviewers, and Circus Folk. How is it possible that with all that brainpower at our disposal, our youth, the most precious natural resource of all (after gold, oil, and gold cocaine) aren’t being given the protection they need and deserve?

We have a Black President, a White House, an Orange Speaker of the House, and my pee looked red this morning. ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE IN AMERICA… as long as you live long enough to make your dreams a reality and drink blood before you go to bed.

Do you know how many innocent babies are murdered on the way home from the hospital on any given weekday? Me either. But probably a lot (maybe). We can do something about this today IF Congress will finally step up and enact the legislation I’ve been proposing for the last nine months. Here is the law in its entirety:

Henceforth, upon vaginal evacuation any Baby, Child, or Benjamin Button-esque type Creature will IMMEDIATELY be issued two Beretta Semi-Automatic handguns equipped with Laser Sights and forty cases of armor-piercing bullets. Said Child will be offered a Gun Safety Course (to be redeemed upon their eighth birthday). They shall also be given a Trained Falcon to be named at a time of their choosing. The Falcon shall be trained in: Squawking, Mortal Enemy Eye Removal, Turning on Lights, Gun Maintenance, and Answering Phones.

“But Sam! Babies can’t talk, walk, or Favstar! They’re basically Roombas that shit and cry instead of vacuum and never question why I’m peeing in these jars. And what in the bejeesus is this Falcon thing?!?”

I hear your protests of ignorance but let me ask you this: If you saw a baby with two guns and a trained falcon would you think about stealing it’s diaper and selling it to another stupider baby? Or would you shit your pants and wish you had a diaper of your own? I’m guessing number two.

Stop wasting time. Innocent babies are (maybe?) being attacked as of this writing. Call your local Congressperson today and tell them they need to enact the ‘BABYGOTGAT’ legislation before it’s too late.

***For more information on Babies, Guns, Falcons, or pretty much anything don’t go to your local library, just use your computer or ask someone with most of their teeth***