My ideal woman:
• Has a similar taste in comedy
• Bursts into 1,000 crows at dusk
• Enjoys Skee-ball
• Floats for reasons unknown
• Loves root beer
• Eats every former lover
• Sends me Steely Dan memes
• Can set me on fire with her mind
• Enjoys a good coupon— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) December 21, 2018
My ideal woman:
• Lives in a bog or a ditch
• Is keen on animal sacrifices
• Speaks only in tongues
• Knows her way around shanks
• Shares the dang remote when we’re watching Netflix!
• Isn’t sure whose blood she’s covered in— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) August 30, 2018