Jesus could walk on water but I like to imagine he couldn’t go swimming, he’d try to dive in and it would be like trying to swim in concrete. And he kept it a secret. All his friends are at the beach like, “Come take a dip!” and JC is all, “Nah I’m good. Anyone wanna be carried?”
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) May 29, 2018
You still have blackouts when you don’t drink or do drugs but they’re called, “trips to Target.”
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) May 27, 2018
If you haven't heard from a friend in a while, check in on them. Give them a call. Shoot them a text. Kick down their door. Hug them until you literally squeeze the life out of them. Enjoy your new home.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) May 25, 2018
I sure picked the wrong Presidency to get sober.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) May 24, 2018
What a time to be dead inside.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) May 23, 2018
Always a Danny McBride, never a Danny McBridesmaid.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) May 23, 2018