Please hurry up, Robert Mueller. It feels like America wore a wire to a drug deal, with the safe word "bumblebee" to get the cops to rush in but it's been 3 hours and now the dealers are grilling us about why we keep saying bumblebee while they pull out sharper and sharper knives
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) April 12, 2018
*analyzing*
*analysis complete: not toast:*
ZUCKERBERG: "Hello, Not Toast" pic.twitter.com/FrBTGVqWTH— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) April 11, 2018
How the fuck does Barack Obama have such an endless supply of self-restraint? Not a single tweet to the President asking, “So, Donny, how’s your day going?” Trump would literally explode and part of this nightmare would finally be over. I don’t get it.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) April 10, 2018
Weekends in my 20's: I'm gonna stay up all night and get so fucked up
Weekends in my 30's: I slept in past 9am? I fucked my whole day up
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) April 7, 2018
My psychiatrist spent half an hour trying to describe "the funniest comedian I've ever seen. His name was Hitch." It took me twenty minutes and Google to prove to him that his name was Mitch but now I will always have a soft spot in my heart for Hitch Medberg.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) April 6, 2018
I would never join a cult!
-sent from iPhone
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) April 5, 2018