Fidel Castro died doing what he loved: slowly dying.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) November 26, 2016
Don't forget you can stop being thankful today.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) November 25, 2016
You can't choose your family but you can choose to take ecstasy before setting foot in their home
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) November 24, 2016
Before you leave the Thanksgiving bash at your conservative parents' house, don't forget to slip a Hamilton soundtrack in their CD player.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) November 23, 2016
GOOD COP: Tell me what happened to the body & we all go home
PHILOSOPHER COP: Why are we here?
SUSPECT: We're here 'cuz I killed my- oh shit— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) November 23, 2016
ME: Please let me slam dunk watermelons with Jesus in my dreams tonight
BRAIN: I'll do you one better, you can drown slowly in your mistakes— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) November 21, 2016