I’m just looking for a woman that’s
• always chill
• loves pizza
• into the occult
• has no problem bludgeoning me to death
• will bring me back from the dead just to have sex with me before she kills me again
• cries blood
• is 100% a witch
• did I mention PIZZA?! ???— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) April 23, 2019
Happy Earth Day! pic.twitter.com/ERiHttcYLF
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) April 22, 2019
If you only see 2-3 crows together that’s an attempted murder.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) April 21, 2019
Grimace from McDonald’s but pronounced like Versace.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) April 19, 2019
Today will be different. I’ll wear the right outfit. I’ll stop eating fried foods. I’ll get invited to parties on boats. I’ll write a letter to the editor. I’ll finally burn the Walmart down. I will become a falcon. I will usurp. I will transcend time and space while loitering.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) April 12, 2019
I can’t believe it’s been 24 hours and Robert Mueller still hasn’t started a podcast.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) March 23, 2019