My ideal woman:
• Has a similar taste in comedy
• Bursts into 1,000 crows at dusk
• Enjoys Skee-ball
• Floats for reasons unknown
• Loves root beer
• Eats every former lover
• Sends me Steely Dan memes
• Can set me on fire with her mind
• Enjoys a good coupon— Arby’s Provocateur (@SamGrittner) December 21, 2018
I don’t trust anyone who actually saves room for dessert. If you’re disciplined and calculating enough to be able to withhold instant gratification from food because you’re thinking five steps ahead, you’re clearly also capable of murder.
— Arby’s Provocateur (@SamGrittner) December 16, 2018
How is this not an Olympic event? pic.twitter.com/Rrcqx2wfWE
— Arby’s Provocateur (@SamGrittner) December 15, 2018
I miss the high of spending 10 minutes in my car trying to take the plastic wrap off a new cd.
— Arby’s Provocateur (@SamGrittner) December 13, 2018
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD SOMEBODY PUT THE GLOVE BACK ON HAMBURGER HELPER pic.twitter.com/IvTgsfnxlf
— Arby’s Provocateur (@SamGrittner) December 10, 2018
Might just fuck some garbage if it keeps flirting with me pic.twitter.com/YBEzlBGRFg
— Arby’s Provocateur (@SamGrittner) December 3, 2018