I never give starving artists money cause I know they'll just waste it creating more art instead of eating.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) August 12, 2016
Sorry I didn't answer your text for a few days! I was actively plotting against you.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) August 11, 2016
REST OF THE WORLD: We hope America is having an intellectual discussion about the impact of their election
U.S.: pic.twitter.com/kmDYzF79tv— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) August 10, 2016
If Michael Phelps eats any sort of fish at this point, it's cannibalism.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) August 8, 2016
Pretty sure I'll never find true love but I'll keep dating until I meet the perfect restaurant.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) August 5, 2016
FUNERAL INSTRUCTIONS:
* Open casket
* Free bag of tortilla chips upon entrance
* My dead hands hold the bowl of salsa— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) August 4, 2016