ALL OF US IN UNISON: “And stay out!”
*2018 gets up and tries to wipe the dirt and dust off while the saloon doors keep swinging*— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) January 1, 2019
My five year plan is to make it through 2019.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) December 31, 2018
SPIDER-MAN, SPIDER-MAN,
does whatever a spider can,
spider thoughts and spider things,
spider queens and spider kings,
charlotte's web? that shit was tight,
walks in your mouth while you're asleep at night,
eats his kids, cleans his plate,
spider-man can spider-relate— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) December 29, 2018
Santa is the perfect representation of capitalism: an old, fat white guy gets all the credit for bringing joy to the world even though he only works one day a year and his sweatshops full of elves do all the hard labor and aren’t allowed to unionize. Bring me Santa’s head.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) December 24, 2018
My ideal woman:
• Has a similar taste in comedy
• Bursts into 1,000 crows at dusk
• Enjoys Skee-ball
• Floats for reasons unknown
• Loves root beer
• Eats every former lover
• Sends me Steely Dan memes
• Can set me on fire with her mind
• Enjoys a good coupon— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) December 21, 2018
I don’t trust anyone who actually saves room for dessert. If you’re disciplined and calculating enough to be able to withhold instant gratification from food because you’re thinking five steps ahead, you’re clearly also capable of murder.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) December 16, 2018