I firmly believe:
– Melania is a hologram
– Ivanka is made of glass
– Eric is a vampire
– Barron suffers from Benjamin Button disease and is actually Fred Trump
– Don Jr. is a bunch of anthropomorphic rocks stuffed in a body
– Tiffany is a Mossad agent that infiltrated the family— Arby’s Provocateur (@SamGrittner) November 27, 2017
ANXIETY: Where you headed?
ME: Bed
ANXIETY: Mind if I tag along?
ME: Yeah, I think I'm-
ANXIETY: Good. I'll drive— Arby’s Provocateur (@SamGrittner) November 26, 2017
Lazy motherfucker. pic.twitter.com/jsUMRDmsOi
— Arby’s Provocateur (@SamGrittner) November 26, 2017
Honestly, my extreme-leftist politics aside, TIME should name Hillary Clinton as the Person of the Year just to fuck with him.
— Arby’s Provocateur (@SamGrittner) November 25, 2017
CONSERVATIVE UNCLE: I carved the bird! Everybody dig in!
ME: Everyone at the table deserves some food?
CU: Of course
ME: Even though only one person bought it
CU: Yeah, why?
ME: Explain to me why everyone doesn’t deserve Universal healthcare
CU: *brain explodes*
Me: Let's dig in!— Arby’s Provocateur (@SamGrittner) November 23, 2017
Barron gets the wishbone and breaks it in half. “I wish he would die already,” he whispers. Trump walks around the corner and sees his youngest son, “Darren, when was the last time I told you about my electoral landslide?”
— Arby’s Provocateur (@SamGrittner) November 22, 2017