Category: Writing

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25 FACTS YOU DIDN’T KNOW ABOUT MEGAN FOX

Megan Fox

1. She only eats soup and duct tape on days ending in nights

2. She has never paid for a drink or health insurance

3. She’s freebased with Bumblebee

4. She doesn’t understand why the ocean stops at the beach

5. She invented an algorithm that has saved over 30,000 children from cancer clusters

6. She has no idea what an algorithm is

7. She is pleasantly surprised every time her body remembers to breathe for her

8. She can build a tesla coil out of a bobby pin and a toe

9. She only dates vegetarians, people on death row, and members of THE SPIN DOCTORS that AREN’T on death row

10. She once performed open heart surgery to get a walk-on role for JUST SHOOT ME

11. She has no idea who David Spade is

12. She prefers to make love in piles of money with unmarked bills and dollar coins

13. She has two extra fingers and a spare neck

14. She once ate a chicken live to book a commercial for OLD NAVY

15. She wishes that when she signed her deal with the devil she’d also gotten guitar lessons

16. She has no idea what the ocean is

17. She knew what a book was, at one point

18. She has a mansion filled with Optimus Prime toys and cashmere appendages

19. She’s stabbed Charlie Sheen twice this week

20. She has invested over $2,000,000 in a watermelon company that promises watermelons WITH SEEDS

21. She has made love inside a Transformer

22. She questions everything, especially people who question things

23. She likes looking at coasters and thinking of sand instead of thinking or remembering to breath all the time

24. She hates oligarchies

25. She still sexts Optimus Prime

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Sam’s Fall Guide to Fucking With Your Nemesis

Fall is here and you know what that means: leaves are writing their wills, scarves are growing in JO-ANN fabrics, pumpkins are patching, and before you know it, you’ll be giving candy to strangers’ obese kids, dressed like Thor and Lauren Bacall. School is back in session too. You’re probably focused on getting straight A’s and scoring Molly for the weekend. Those are important but don’t forget: Summer is over and Todd in first period always has some MDMA. Meanwhile, your nemesis is out there and they are waiting for you.

I know your mind is busy thinking about important things like “your future” and “which attic you hid in the bees in” so I’ve taken time out of my busy day of dojo inspections and talking to commas to write a short list on how you can stay one step ahead of your nemesis at all times or at least until the last leaf falls.

1) Change Your Name

When you find someone that hates you with every fiber of their being, a great gag to pull on them is to legally change your name. Most people know me as Sam Grittner but my real name is Glass Sanchez Torpedoson (I didn’t change it because I had a nemesis, just because it was a really fucked up name). They have to go to so much trouble rebuilding their HATE SHRINES, getting new “FUCK MY NEMESIS, SAM” t-shirts and other assorted swag produced on the cheap AND on the fly that you’ll completely ruin their weekend.

2) Kill Them With Kindness

This one might seem simple but that’s only because it’s “technically” illegal: Give them delicious cakes, delectable pastries, and assorted cookies as often as you can (just make sure they all have enough ricin in them to knock out a gym locker room full of elephants).

3) Bury Them Alive (BEFORE They Do It To You)

I had a nemesis once that would do the same thing every Saturday afternoon for four years straight: they’d bury me alive in a pet cemetery. I’m happy to say it only took me two more years after another six, to realize that I could take a pre-emptive strike and bury her alive on Friday night outside the TOYS R’ US nearby. Not only did she stop trying to make my life a daily hell, we’ve since become best friends and exchange recipes and occasionally dog-sit for each other.

4) Take Their Hair

This one isn’t for everyone because it’s expensive and requires a willing Physician. Knock-out your nemesis using sleeping pills or public radio. Next bring them to a laser hair removal professional. When they wake up in the alley, make sure to place an antique mirror facing them, so when they come to, they immediately see the human mannequin they’ve become.

5) Replace Their Car With an Animal

So your nemesis wants to go out and fill all your drawers with cat food before setting you on fire just because you got the jump on them and poisoned them and took their hair, huh? Well, imagine their surprise when they go to get in their ’93 Subaru Forrester only to see that it’s been replaced by a spider monkey or a couple of emus. If there’s one thing 99% of all people hate, it’s seeing their ride replaced by animals (1% of the population does find it particularly endearing, so be warned).

6) Post Pictures of Them Having Sex With Inanimate Objects

Do you know how to Photoshop? Do you have a photo of your nemesis having sex? Of course you do! Now comes the fun part: picking out the inanimate objects that you want to make people think your mortal enemy is having sexual relationships with! The possibilities are limitless, until you’ve used all of them: a futon, motorcycle helmet, chopsticks, the state of Wyoming, batteries of any kind or assortment, a cloud that looks like Shelley Long, durable parchment, sticks, stones, stick and stones, their restraining order against you, AYN RAND, quinoa, etc.

7) Learn About Syria

This one might seem puzzling but it’s a winner. Bone up on all knowledge of current events but especially the big story right now: Syria. Then, “accidentally” run into your nemesis while they’re shopping for urns or while they’re getting changed in the morning and casually bring up chemical weapons. Spit all your knowledge and make an Assad out of them. On your way out hand them a homemade coupon good for “SUCKING YOUR BRAIN’S DICK, AGAIN”

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MISSED CONNECTION: Costco Parking Lot

MISSED CONNECTION:

You were an Angel, screaming at airplanes in the parking lot of Costco. Our eyes locked just as you pulled the last of your hair out. It was as red as the red in the RED LOBSTER signs I’ve heard of in modern lore. I was wearing bermuda shorts and a vintage wedding gown that I may or definitely may have stolen from a yacht earlier in the day. You smelled of tapioca and longing. Set your jean jacket on fire, I’ll find you.

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25 FACTS YOU DIDN’T KNOW ABOUT: NICOLAS CAGE

25 FACTS YOU DIDN’T KNOW ABOUT: NICOLAS CAGE

NICKCAGE

1) His middle name is Batting

2) He has touched the Holy Grail with his dick at least once today

3) He has been alive for 8,000 years and dead for 7,825

4) His favorite kind of music is Bluegrassorangefield

5) He has never seen a cow

6) He has killed over twenty people on movie sets (not while filming)

7) He has never made direct eye contact with himself

8) He has no idea what a movie is

9) He has more swords than you have cells in your body

10) He can speak to dogs, chairs, certain sauces, and the Mayor of Cleveland through telepathy

11) He has never eaten a hot dog that he hasn’t personally made

12) He soaks his car keys in his own blood

13) He has no idea who Ralph Nader is

14) He once worked for the CIA, smuggling ACTUAL arms to Cuba

15) He invented water polo when he was high on embalming fluid with Einstein

16) He is scared of horses and watermelons

17) He believes bad luck is only real if you didn’t pay the witch with actual money

18) He owns a castle made entirely of leather

19) He speaks perfect English but only in Chinese

20) His adopted child is really a sandbox full of gravy and golden toothpicks

21) He has no idea what global warming is

22) He believes most children are holograms or sandboxes

23) He only makes love in coffins or space shuttles

24) He built his own DNA in a haunted vineyard

25) He wants to ride a horse into the sun but this time do it to inspire the children

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WHAT CHUCK TODD HAS ON HIS PERSON RIGHT NOW (Sep. 5th 2013, 9:53 PM CTS)

WHAT CHUCK TODD HAS ON HIS PERSON RIGHT NOW: Mayonaisse, two wigs, a cigar, a Rosie the Riveter sock puppet, droplets from the bosom of a nubile scientist, a doctor’s note excusing him from not having a doctor’s note, fourteen beard trimmers, a really kickass flute, blueberry jam, four thousand ties, an extra set of eyeballs, a map to the fountain of youth, more condoms than your mind can ever imagine

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PARIS HILTON IS READY TO PARTY IN SOUTH SUDAN

Paris Hilton wakes up in the middle of a bowling alley. It’s 4am, she’s in South Sudan, and she’s ready to party. She goes outside into the crisp, dusk breeze, takes out a pack of Marlboro Reds and proceeds to eat them while getting out her cellphone. When the nicotine rush hits, she blacks out. She wakes up in the middle of a bowling alley in South Sudan. It’s 5am and she’s ready to party.

Paris Hilton goes outside and looks for her smokes. “Weird,” she thinks to herself. She takes out her cellphone and looks at her MISSED CALLS: Matt Damon, Winona Ryder, The Spoonman from the Soundgarden video Guy? She texts Matt Damon but he doesn’t respond so she gets into a stranger’s limo and opens her purse. She takes out a small duffle bag of cocaine and does it all in one snort. When the blow hits, she whites out. She wakes up in the middle of a bowling alley. It’s 6am in South Sudan and Paris Hilton is feeling nauseous and her nose is bleeding like a leaky firehose but she is ready to party.

Paris Hilton goes outside and looks for her smokes. When she can’t find them, she reaches 6 feet into her purse but alas, no duffel bag of yayo to be found. She takes out her cellphone. One new text from Matt Damon, “Who is this?” Paris starts to feel sad but she’s still so numb from the cocaine she literally can’t feel feelings right now. She ducks into a back-alley and opens her purse. She digs, like a squirrel-racoon hybrid on cocaine and cigarettes, and finally comes across the tiny, leather black bag. She takes out the needle and the heroin. Her phone buzzes but she doesn’t look. “More like Matt DUMBon. Like, that’s really clever. I wish it wasn’t just me and those three dead horses in this alley. Someone should definitely hear that. I should text Matt!” When the heroin hits, it hits like an anchor being launched from a rocket launcher. She browns out and wakes up in the middle of a bowling alley. It’s 7am in South Sudan and Paris Hilton is bleeding internally, externally, one of her eyes has dropped out, her feet just fell off but she is READY TO PARTY. She gets up and falls down onto a bowling ball.

Matt Damon looks over at Jeff Goldblum’s cousin Geph Goldblum and says, “Doesn’t Boy George over there look like Paris Hilton.” He never ends up winning the game.