Keep the faith (to yourself).
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) October 5, 2015
Dogs were domesticated from wolves. Cats were domesticated from middle fingers.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) October 3, 2015
*1 minute before bomb ignites*
MAN 1: I should tell you before I clip these wires, I'm colorblind.
MAN 2: You're fucking kidding me. So am I— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) October 3, 2015
Somewhere my soulmate is out there eating pizza over a sink wondering where in the fuck her life went wrong too.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) October 2, 2015
I lost my first two children to IKEA's labyrinths.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) October 1, 2015
If you ever suffer from feelings, keep pushing them further down into your subconscious until they emerge as beautiful eruptions at Target.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) September 30, 2015