*biden drives onstage in a monster truck blasting freebird, accidentally running over and crushing lincoln chafee*
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) October 14, 2015
Being an adult is like being a Quentin Tarantino movie: it starts out real cool, there's lots of cursing, it's very confusing, everyone dies
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) October 9, 2015
"This is one of those fancy hospitals."
"How can you tell?"
*points to IV filled with cucumber slices*— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) October 8, 2015
Why bananas? Why's that the crazy fruit? He's gone completely oranges. I heard she was apples. He's tangerines, man. She is completely kiwis
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) October 8, 2015
I only carve rescue pumpkins
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) October 7, 2015
The wallet was originally invented to hold slices of cheese.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) October 5, 2015