Thanks for help with the new Tinder profile, TurboTax pic.twitter.com/dJeeusE1iI
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) March 7, 2018
I will honestly be disappointed if every time they cut to Jordan Peele tonight he's not slowly and methodically stirring a cup of tea with a spoon while staring directly at the cameras.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) March 4, 2018
I actually like Instagram’s algorithm that shows you pictures from yesterday because when I see someone enjoying their life too much I remind myself that 24 hours is more than enough time for them to have lost everything they loved in a fire.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) March 4, 2018
1. Buy cheap umbrella
2. Have it die on you mid-storm
3. Buy expensive umbrella
4. Forget it on public transportation
5. Repeat steps 1-4 until you die— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) March 2, 2018
Insomnia is your brain telling your body that your body can’t tell your brain what to do.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) March 1, 2018
10pm: Time for bed
11pm: I should go to sleep
12pm: I can't fall asleep
1am: Why can't I fall asleep?
2am: What's the point?
3am: What's the point of anything?
4am: Nothing matters
5am: Why can't my brain shut up?
6am: Why can't those birds shut up?
7am: Is my brain birds?— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) February 28, 2018