Instead of "Happy Holidays" or "Merry Christmas," I prefer to use the non-controversial, "We're all dying slowly but you look great today!"
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) November 21, 2016
Right now Twitter feels like a funeral home where half the people are paying respects and the other half are playing laser tag.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) November 14, 2016
TO-DO TODAY:
• Escape through food
• Watch the world burn
• Question my true motives
• Repeat same mistakes with different people
• Not die— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) September 30, 2016
My parrot died today. Its last words were, "Fuck, I think my parrot is about to die."
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) September 13, 2016
FUNERAL INSTRUCTIONS:
* Open casket
* Free bag of tortilla chips upon entrance
* My dead hands hold the bowl of salsa— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) August 4, 2016
My favorite thing about cats is their default sleeping position is "Just murdered waiting to be chalk outlined" pic.twitter.com/IuGx6R1fp8
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) July 30, 2016