Santa is the perfect representation of capitalism: an old, fat white guy gets all the credit for bringing joy to the world even though he only works one day a year and his sweatshops full of elves do all the hard labor and aren’t allowed to unionize. Bring me Santa’s head.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) December 24, 2018
My ideal woman:
• Has a similar taste in comedy
• Bursts into 1,000 crows at dusk
• Enjoys Skee-ball
• Floats for reasons unknown
• Loves root beer
• Eats every former lover
• Sends me Steely Dan memes
• Can set me on fire with her mind
• Enjoys a good coupon— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) December 21, 2018
I don’t trust anyone who actually saves room for dessert. If you’re disciplined and calculating enough to be able to withhold instant gratification from food because you’re thinking five steps ahead, you’re clearly also capable of murder.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) December 16, 2018
How is this not an Olympic event? pic.twitter.com/Rrcqx2wfWE
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) December 15, 2018
I miss the high of spending 10 minutes in my car trying to take the plastic wrap off a new cd.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) December 13, 2018
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD SOMEBODY PUT THE GLOVE BACK ON HAMBURGER HELPER pic.twitter.com/IvTgsfnxlf
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) December 10, 2018