With enough anxiety you can change any room into an emergency room
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) July 29, 2014
"Instagram it then take me to the hospital. I'm losing blood so choose a filter on the way."
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) July 29, 2014
Hello God. Hello Margaret. It's me Satan, I've got you both on speaker…
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) July 25, 2014
*gets down on one knee*
Will you be it's complicated with me?— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) July 24, 2014
If a cop asks you to turn around, they can't arrest you if you just keep turning.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) July 22, 2014
*puts out arm*
*falcon lands on it, perfectly*
"I want everyone to know: I trained this bird."
*mouths to falcon: who the fuck are you?*— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) July 21, 2014