Pretty sure I'll never find true love but I'll keep dating until I meet the perfect restaurant.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) August 5, 2016
FUNERAL INSTRUCTIONS:
* Open casket
* Free bag of tortilla chips upon entrance
* My dead hands hold the bowl of salsa— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) August 4, 2016
Why does the tooth have teeth? pic.twitter.com/JxJzMZB5sV
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) August 3, 2016
FRIEND: God has a plan for you.
ME: What's the deductible?— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) August 2, 2016
Every owl looks like it just heard a racist joke pic.twitter.com/8J358Oc2rw
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) August 1, 2016
"Let's see if the monumentally insane, racist, misogynistic guy somehow becomes rational over time even though he won't." – Undecided voters
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) July 31, 2016