My ideal woman:
• Lives in a bog or a ditch
• Is keen on animal sacrifices
• Speaks only in tongues
• Knows her way around shanks
• Shares the dang remote when we’re watching Netflix!
• Isn’t sure whose blood she’s covered in— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) August 30, 2018
*footage of beto o’rourke jumping a motorcycle across the grand canyon*
“Texas, is this who you want as your Senator? A man who defies death and looks sexy as hell while doing it?”
“I’m Ted Cruz and I approved this message.”
“I’m Beto O’Rourke and I also approved this message.”— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) August 29, 2018
Bears don’t hibernate during winter. They go to their caves, think about the wrongs they’ve committed, change absolutely nothing, then once spring rolls around, they go back out on their “I Guess I’m Still A Bear” tour.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) August 29, 2018
A random woman was berating me for having the audacity to look at my cellphone while I was walking down the sidewalk. She yelled, “THE CELLPHONE ISN’T THE WORLD!” three times before she hit her face walking into a tree because she wasn’t paying attention. God is real.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) August 25, 2018
I was walking past a park and overheard a man talking to his wife/girlfriend/partner and he said “Why didn’t you call me yesterday? You don’t have work today? You aren’t as beautiful as you used to be, you know that?” No one responded so I looked. He was talking to a pigeon.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) August 23, 2018
Going forward I shall only be referring to the sky as “the bird ocean”. I will not be taking questions at this time.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) August 22, 2018